Short Story

Diary of a Jester

Day 1:
Well, ok, let’s start with the basics: My name is Calvin. I’m a jester and I’m that sort of guy who entertains the court with jokes or artistic things, like juggling. I think I have been doing a very good job so far. They laugh and have fun watching my skills, especially the beautiful princess, who seems to be very elated. And that’s why I can’t understand why they’ve given me a new assignment: I’m supposed to fight a dragon! Do you know why I chose the job of a jester? Because I’m a coward! I don’t want to be squeezed into the uncomfortable armor and ride on horse all day to get my butt all bruised. I’m not cut out for those manly jobs. I seriously need to talk to the king again. Maybe the princess can help me and convince him that I’m not in dragon-fighting shape.

Day 2:
It was no use; I’ll have to go and fight the dragon. And the king made clear that I shouldn’t come back until the dragon is dead. He also explained that I’m the only one left that is young and strong enough to go on this quest. He mentioned something about all of his soldiers being gone to fight some kind of very important war, probably about some religious crap.

Day 3:
That was my first day on the road. Have I mentioned that I’ve never learned how to ride on a horse? I guess I’ll have to be a fast learner now because if I continue in walking, it’ll take a week until I get to the cave where the dragon lives. And I surely don’t want to be sitting in that saddle for a week; my privates already feel squashed. I’m sure I won’t sleep at all tonight; the ground is hard and damp. I can’t wait to get back to my comfortable, soft, warm bed in the palace!

Day 7:
Yes, I managed to get the horse into gallop and advanced quite a lot in the last few days. I am now in front of that alleged cave. I peaked in for a short second, but couldn’t see any dragon. I even called it names and insulted him, but it wouldn’t come out. How do you lure a dragon out of its cave? Does it even understand English?

Day 8:
Well, the dragon is dead. It was much easier than expected. Ok, here’s the whole story: This morning when I woke up, all my beer was gone. I had taken about 3 litres with me and wanted to keep it as my victory drink. I was very incensed that someone would steal beer from a poor jester on such a hard mission. However, I couldn’t do anything about it. So, I went into the cave to do my business: kill the big bad dragon. The cave was huge, probably about 25 m high and it had burn marks all over. When I was right before a curve, I heard loud, heavy footsteps echoing in the cave. And then I saw a 20 m high shadow while the dragon came at me. The shadow showed huge teeth and huge puffs of fire came out of its mouth. And suddenly it stood in front of me. I was…er…surprised: it was only 2 m tall, its color was more baby pink than fire red, and it had big blue eyes. Seriously, it looked kind of cute. And that was supposed to be the dangerous dragon that ate 20 villagers? But something seemed to be wrong with the dragon: it couldn’t stand still and when I walked backwards and lured it after me it was tumbling. Its eyes were rolling and weren’t able to focus. And when it breathed its little puffs of fire, I knew who had stolen my beer! So, I was to fight a little drunk dragon. Well, I know that this was going to be an easy fight. I drew my sword and ran towards the exit of the cave because although it was a tiny dragon, I didn’t feel like fighting in a closed space. When I exited the cave, I turned to my right to not fall of the cliff. But the dragon was so drunk that it stumbled over a fallen tree and fell off the cliff. I always thought that dragons could fly, but this one couldn’t. Or maybe the drunkenness impaired its flying abilities. However, it was lying in the canyon looking very dead. But to get proof that I killed the dragon I climbed down and pulled one of its biggest teeth. And then I went back on my horse and started on my way back to the castle.

Day 12:
I’m on my way back to the cave. “Why?”, you might ask. Well, when I was at the palace and proudly presented the dragon’s tooth, the king started to laugh hysterically and asked me where I had gotten the tiny tooth from. I told him about the small dragon I encountered and how bravely I killed it. After ten minutes of hilarious laughter the king was finally able to speak again and explained that this must have been the baby of the dragon because the dragon I was supposed to kill is 20 m tall and has reddish-black skin. So, I guess I have to prove my braveness once more. And this time I took 3 litres of strong liqueur: Let’s hope that mama dragon likes alcohol as much as her baby! Wish me luck!

Opinion Piece

Sex and the Village: How to find a Male!

Right now I live and work in a small village in Panama. It’s small enough to be the main attraction of the town because I’m blonde, pale, skinny, and always wear belly-free shirts. Everybody knows me, everybody honks their horn at me, everybody greets me. (With “everybody” I mean Panamanian guys.) I get all kinds of compliments; from “preciosa” to “I like the way how you walk your dogs.” (By the way, that one was so funny that I spit out the beer I was drinking.) Every woman probably likes getting compliments or feels good when guys find her pretty. BUT: If guys stare you down in a way they do it here, it starts to get uncomfortable.
That’s why I pretty much rule out Panamanians in my search for a guy. The other main group of people living here are Americans. But most of them come here to retire; so they are old and will also not do. There is small percentage of Americans who are not so old (with that I mean around 30 to 38). It’s still not quite my age, but in an emergency like that it will have to do.
However, I still have not quite figured out how to get through to those guys. They always give me their numbers and tell me to call them if I want to go for a beer. But when I call, they have lame excuses like: “I have to repair my fridge.” or “I have to work early tomorrow.” Don’t they have the same needs I’m having? Girls (not me though) always complain about the guys thinking about sex all the time. But girls: don’t you also wanna spend a nice night…or two…or three…or four…or five? I think about sex a lot and the amount of time I think about it increases with every day I’m not having it. Of course, I’m not looking for a relationship because I’ll be leaving in 5 months anyway. But a fuck buddy would be nice. Maybe it would be easier if I told the guys that I don’t want any commitment, but just some fun. I guess, it’s in their genes that they are afraid of relationships. But how do you tell them? “Hi there…what are you doing? Do you wanna go for a friendly beer and then have some friendly non-commitment sex?” I think I’m too shy for that. I know, I know…nobody ever believes me when I say I’m shy. But I am…really!
And I can tell you: Having to work nights does not help in the search for a male because you can never go out and look who’s around you.
But do you know that saying: “Nothing is free, especially when it comes from a guy.”? Well, the owner of one of the rafting companies just took me rafting for free. So, now I’m waiting for him to ask for his payment!
Somebody told me it’s super easy to pick up a Panamanian guy. I don’t doubt that for a second. But I’m picky. However, I think I will have to lower my standards because I’m getting desperate. I already have three Panamanian guys lined up who’d love to relieve me. (Two of them are friends of my boss. I asked myself if she wants to hook me up.) But then I start to wonder: With how many guys can I sleep because I qualify for the slut of the village? Since it’s so small, everybody knows who has slept when with whom.
And today? Well, today I’m off (on a Saturday night) and would be able to go out, but it’s raining so heavily that absolutely nobody would be at the bar or club. I hate rainy season! So, I’m sitting here with a cat in my arm (better than nobody), a beer in my hand, in a pretty black dress, and I’m listening to the sounds of the rain and the snoring of the dogs.

To be continued (if anything interesting happens)…

Review

Wetlands by Charlotte Roche

Some people described the book as entertaining and humorous, others as perverse and provocative. I would simply describe it as disgusting. In a way, it’s also entertaining because once you start reading, you don’t want to stop before you have finished it. But I’m sure that this book is responsible for my water bill being so high because ever since I read it, I make sure to wash my hands much more often and my showers are longer to make sure that I’m completely clean. I’m not conservative at all and I usually like reading about masturbation, sex or exchange of body fluids. I can recommend a very exciting erotic novel in German which is called Zuckermond by Astrid Martini. The dialogues are a bit flat, but the sex scenes are amazing! And who reads an erotic novel for the dialogues anyway? But in Wetlands, the protagonist describes how unhygienic she lives her life and that on purpose. She tells us how she wipes the toilet seat with her “pussy” ad how she leaves used tampons all over the hospital to make sure that other people benefit from her bacteria. She goes on describing how she doesn’t wash her vagina for weeks at a time, so that the smell is overpowering which is supposed to attract men. Is that true? If it is, I’ll stop dating at once! Or do guys really like it when girls wipe some wetness of their vagina behind their ear? I also wasn’t so keen on reading about her haemorrhoids surgery and how she deliberately hurt herself with pushing a pedal of a hospital bed up her butt to be able to stay longer in hospital because she fell in love with a male nurse. And for everybody who likes happy endings, I can assure that there is one. I, however, hate happy endings and that’s why I will stick to reading more horror fiction; it doesn’t make me feel so uncomfortable about people around me. I can deal better with murder than with bacteria. I’m not telling you not to read Wetlands. Read it! It’s definitely binding; just make sure you’ve already eaten and preferable already digested your food before reading it because you might loose your appetite.

Short Story

The Island

I thought that being an au pair in Finland would be a new and maybe even adventurous experience. But I didn’t know how adventurous!
I’m sitting in a little hut by a lake with no electricity and water in the middle of Finland and having a fire burning by my side. I can see the movement of the water and the wind in the leaves when I look out of the window. Sounds romantic, doesn’t it? But there is a problem; a big problem!
The hut I spend my nights in belongs to the property of my host mom’s mother and it is on an island which can only be reached by boat. The main house is quite small and doesn’t have enough space for all of us. And I was quite glad to have my own place to sleep in because I tend to wake up very easily when I share a room with somebody else. But the hut is about 500 m away from the main house. However, so far, I’ve made my way through the forest every morning to have my morning toilet and breakfast and it seemed good to have some fresh air right after getting up.
But one morning something seemed to be wrong. It was quieter than normal: I couldn’t hear any singing of the birds, the ducklings were gone and even the mosquitoes seemed to have disappeared. However, I still got up and went to the main house, but even that was quiet: No screaming of the two wild boys I take care of, no flickering TV and no Finnish voices. I figured that my host family must have gone to the main land to get some groceries because the boat was gone. So, I had breakfast alone and got dressed. I decided to sit by the lake and read while I was waiting for my host family to come back. But when it was afternoon, I became worried. They still weren’t back and I was seriously becoming to get bored. I tried calling them, but my Finnish phone connection was dead although I always had such a good connection here on the island in the middle of nowhere. And even my German phone didn’t work. It actually scared me a bit because now I couldn’t reach anybody in case something happened. But I thought that something must be wrong with the network. I had a quick lunch/dinner. However, I wasn’t really hungry because I felt quite lonely and I convinced myself that my host family would be back soon with delicious sausages for the bbq. But it became later and later and there was still no sign of them. Although the island isn’t big, there is one more house on it, but it also just serves as a summer cottage. So, I walked along the gravel road to find it and looked inside, but it seemed to be empty as well. I was sure that something must have happened to my host family. Maybe they had a terrible accident or maybe they all drowned. However, I decided to go to bed and hoped that it was all just a bad dream and that I would wake up and everything would be back to normal. The next morning, the birds, mosquitoes or ducklings still hadn’t returned and the main house was just as deserted. Since I was feeling like I was stuck in one of those horror movies I like to watch, I decided to try out the kajak to get to the main land. I had never used it before, but it wasn’t so hard. You just had to be careful to not turn it over when you got in. When I got to the main land, the car of my host family was gone. I walked along the street to the next few houses and all of them were empty. I didn’t see one cat or hear a dog barking. I didn’t know what else to do and went back to the island. Back there I realized that the electricity in the main house wasn’t working: the fridge wasn’t cold and none of the lights were working. I hadn’t realized it before because here in Finland it is so bright at night that you don’t need any artificial light. I have now been alone on the island for 4 days. I barely have any food left. I did a few more trips to the main land and walked along the street to knock on the doors of other houses, but all of them are empty and everything around me seems to be dead. I have the feeling that even the trees are dying. I have no idea what happened. Was there some kind of attack? But of what? Poison? An atomic bomb? And why did my host parents leave me alone? Did they have to flee so fast that there was no time to inform me? I don’t know what to do except to stay here and wait for somebody to turn up to rescue me. Where else should I go? My laptop battery is nearly empty and since the electricity isn’t working, I can’t charge it. So, I need to go. Bye!

Poem

When it’s Dark

I drink blood and kill,
I live in a castle on a hill.
I haunt humans on the streets
and they taste like sweets.
My next victim might be you
and you won’t make it through.
But don’t be aghast,
I’ll slay you fast.
I am strong and immortal,
and will succeed because I’m brutal.
Next century I will rule an empire,
as a creature of the night, a vampire.

Short Story

The World after the 1st of March

When I was younger I always wanted to be able to look into the future. I would have liked to have a time machine to see what’s going to come and how the world is going to change. But back then in 2009, I would never have been able to imagine that the world would be doomed ten years later; doomed because of World War III.
I guess it all started with the election of a young, charismatic president in the US. In his presidential campaign he had promised to finally bring the war in Iraq to an end. However, he was assassinated soon after his inauguration and his vice-president, a 70-year old war-veteran called Adrian Shotler probably wanted to continue playing war and instead of pulling the troops out of Iraq, he sent even more. Of course, the Iraqis weren’t happy about that. I remember that the war in Iraq had started because the Americans assumed that the Iraqis were building atomic bombs. However, the American troops never found any. And since the Americans didn’t come to the bombs, the bombs came to America. How the Iraqis were able to smuggle bombs of the size of a car to the States, nobody knows. But on 1 March, 2018, three atomic devices exploded in the USA destroying NYC, Washington DC, and Chicago and killing 3 million people. It is impossible to describe the chaos and mayhem which suddenly arose throughout the world. Lots of other nations acted rashly, especially the European Union which immediately agreed to also send troops to Iraq to destroy this country and its weapons. It soon developed into a war of religions: the Muslim-based countries against the Christian-based countries. And bombs started falling in Great Britain and all over Europe, too. Nobody in Britain was safe anymore and the few hundred thousand survivors were evacuated and brought to an uninhabited island which is now called New London. But our colony doesn’t have anything to do with London. It only consists of barracks where we sleep on straw and other barracks where we eat our apportioned food. It’s always cold and windy here because the island is located in the middle of the ocean. We don’t have telephones, computers, or TVs here; things I took for granted only a year ago. We don’t even have anything to do: there’s no work because we don’t have any tools or materials to build anything with. Once a week, a ship comes over here to bring some food, letters, and more refugees. Most of these refugees are even sicker than us and except for a few doctors, who have no tools except their own hands, there is no medical treatment here. I have been exposed to an atomic explosion myself and I can feel how my hair is falling out already. Our colony mostly consists of women because nearly all the men have been drafted to fight in the war. My boyfriend Michael died 2 months ago. I still can’t imagine that I’ll never see his smile again. For me all that is like a bad dream from which I’ll awake soon. There is nowhere for us to go: nearly all the countries in Europe have been destroyed and those which are not will not take any more refugees. I am not so sure what we are doing here. Are we waiting for the end of the war? Or the end of the world? And even if the war does stop, what will we do? Will we rebuild all of Europe? Will there be anything left to rebuild? And will there be enough healthy people to produce non-retarded children?
Einstein once said: “I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.” I now, unfortunately, know the answer to the first part of his saying and I am sure that Einstein is right about the second part as well.

Poem

Calvin

In August a jester comes to town,
his clothes are green and yellow,
he makes me laugh when I am down,
he is a funny fellow.

Like a dragon he breaths fire,
known for juggling and for dancin’,
for entertaining the whole empire,
he’s known by the name of Calvin.